positivity

Living with BPD

BPD is borderline personality disorder. Around 1 in 100 people in the UK suffer from this disorder and it leaves you feeling vulnerable and confused, and a lot of the times feeling nothing at all.

I suffer from BPD and it’s no easy journey lemme tell you that. I really want to raise awareness for this disorder because honestly, I never see enough online about it. Occasionally I see the odd tweet about BPD but nothing more than that really. I just wanna open up about how much I suffer with this illness and if this helps at least one person speak up about this, then I’ve done what I’ve wanted.

Borderline personality disorder is also called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) which is honestly an accurate representation of it. BPD means that you have strong emotions you find hard to cope with. For me; one comment, a loud noise, a change in routine could upset me and trigger a large amount of anxiety. A change in the tone of someones voice could scare me to beyond words. One tiny thing about my routine could change and I would get so angry and it would end with me taking my anger out on myself or the environment around me. Now, I’m not a violent person – I would never hurt anyone around me. It’s normally just myself or inanimate objects like walls.

Another part of BPD is having no feeling at all. For days on end I could feel nothing. When my mother passed away, I felt nothing for days and days. I like to think it’s my brains way of protecting me from the harm that the outside world has caused – which sometimes isn’t a good thing.

BPD results in me having unstable relationships with others. I haven’t been in a relationship over over 18 months now because I just can’t. It’s not that I’m difficult to love because I know I can be loved but I just can’t put myself into a situation where someone could hurt me. I’ve got to the point where I’m so overprotective over my own feelings that I’m loosing out on things I should be doing. I’m a teenager, I should be going on dates, going out with friends but I just can’t. Maybe this is just my anxiety coupled with BPD, where I assume everyone is out to get me.

I sometimes think I’m not in control of my own body (kinda like depersonalisation and derealisation) because I have thoughts that are beyond my control. Like, I could have thoughts that my family are going to die or something is going to happen to me or someone in my life is plotting to kill me. I hear you laughing but this is an every day thing for me, so it’s really not funny. I hear you say “but that’s a bit extreme, no one is plotting to kill you” but I cannot control these thoughts, I can’t help that my brain has got to that idea. I want to think good things of people but as I said, I cannot control these thoughts.

My self worth is all depended on what attention or love I receive. If I am receiving no attention, then I’m better off dead. If I’m receiving attention or love from someone, I push them away because I don’t want them to hurt me so I leave before I can be left. It’s a lose-lose situation. I can never win. I have such distorted views on myself and others, I have no idea what is real and what I’ve imagined.

I was terrified to write this blog post because of the stigma that comes along with any mental illness that isn’t depression or anxiety. Many neurotypicals hear personality disorder and automatically think I’m a danger to them when it really isn’t the case. I would never hurt anyone (other than myself) and if anyone knows me in real life or online, you would know that.

Please, if you are in a safe enough position and can get help, please do. I can assure you that you aren’t weird or lying to yourself. If you ‘relate’ with most if not all of what I’ve said, there is a good chance you need help. I would hate to think anyone is suffering anyone with this, or any mental health issue for that matter. I love you and please stay safe x

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